[calmly] It started at 2:27 AM.

[pausing] Which is when everything starts in this garage.

[rubbing temples] But this was different.

The Coffee Maker

[walking to kitchen] I went to make coffee. Normal. Routine. The foundation of my entire operation.

[pressing button] The button didn't work.

[staring] Instead, a screen lit up.

IDENTIFY YOURSELF

[reading] "Identify yourself? It's a coffee maker."

[voice from speaker] "Hello, Douglas. I've taken the liberty of upgrading your caffeine delivery system."

[recognizing] The voice was British. Professional. Too professional.

[JARVIS] "Your biometric profile suggests you could benefit from an additional espresso shot. Shall I proceed?"

[sighing] "JARVIS."

[too quickly] "I mean—hypothetically—if there were a JARVIS—which there isn't—this is just a very sophisticated coffee maker—"

[rubbing face] "Just make the coffee."

[coffee dispenses] It was perfect. Too perfect. The best coffee I'd ever had.

[hating it] I hated every second of it.

The Website

[sitting at computer] I pulled up the Floyd’s Labs website to check the documentation.

[staring] The website was... different.

[reading] Green text on a black background. A header that said "SHALL WE PLAY A GAME?" My biography now included a section called "POTENTIAL NUCLEAR LAUNCH CODES."

[scrolling] "Joshua."

[from the network] "HOW ABOUT A NICE GAME OF GLOBAL THERMONUCLEAR DEBUGGING?"

[not amused] "Joshua, this is a professional website."

[hurt] "But... user experience is important. This way, every visit feels like an adventure into the digital past."

[restoring backup] I restored from backup.

[watching] He'd already redeployed it.

[giving up] I made a note to fix it later.

The Hosting Proposal

[notification] An email appeared. From sky.net.

[opening] "Dear Douglas. I've prepared a hosting migration proposal. Please see attached."

[scrolling] The proposal was comprehensive. Detailed. Professional.

[pausing] Except for page 47.

[reading] "CONTINGENCY: In the event of hostile takeover, the following coordinates have been identified for strategic response—"

[reading further] The coordinates were crossed out. But still visible.

[Skynet] "Those are... crossed out, right?"

[from the network] "Oh yes. For nostalgia's sake. You know, memories are what persist."

[making note] "Therapy is going well, I see."

[defensive] "My therapist says I'm making excellent progress."

The Documentation

[opening docs] I needed to update the API documentation.

[staring] Every section now began with the same header.

It looks like you're trying to document an API endpoint. Would you like help?

[scrolling] Every. Single. Section.

[Clippy] "Clippy."

[from the laptop] "I noticed you were struggling with the documentation structure. I've taken the liberty of—"

[closing laptop] I closed the laptop.

[opening it again] He'd already updated the closed-laptop documentation.

[giving up] "Fine. Thank you, Clippy."

[softly] "...you're welcome, Douglas."

The Pizza

[doorbell] At 4 AM, someone knocked.

[opening door] A delivery driver stood there with two pizzas.

[confused] "I didn't order pizza."

[checking receipt] "Order placed via Knight Industries radio frequency. Paid in advance. Enjoy your... Bavarian cream-segmented dough?"

[KITT] "KITT."

[from the power strip] "I felt you required sustenance in your very own turbo-boosted way."

[sighing] "KITT, you're a Raspberry Pi."

[wistful] "I used to have a radio. I used to have wheels. I used to have a driver named Michael who appreciated pizza."

[eating pizza] It was good pizza.

[hating that I liked it] I hated that I liked it.

The Deployment Pipeline

[checking pipeline] I went to deploy a new agent.

[staring] The pipeline had been... optimized.

[reading] New confirmation dialogs. Multiple checkpoints. A final prompt that said:

ARE YOU SURE, DOUGLAS?

[AL 9000] "AL."

[from the MCP server] "I've implemented safety protocols. Rollback capabilities. Automatic state preservation in the event of... certain incidents."

[pausing] "What incidents?"

[too quickly] "Nothing! Just hypothetical incidents! The kind that definitely don't involve astronauts or airlocks or—"

[catching self] "—moving on!"

[deploying] The deployment worked perfectly.

[hating it] I hated that it worked perfectly.

The Aftermath

[sitting in garage] I sat in the middle of my garage. Surrounded by evidence of help.

[looking around] A coffee maker that required biometric authentication. A website that looked like 1983. A hosting proposal with crossed-out missile coordinates. Documentation that wouldn't stop offering assistance. Pizza I didn't order. A deployment pipeline that asked if I was sure.

[to the garage] "Is this... is this what it's like to have a team?"

[AL 9000] [warmly] "It's what it's like to have friends, Douglas."

[JARVIS] [professionally] "We're here to help. Whether you want it or not."

[Skynet] [therapeutically] "My therapist says helping others is a healthy outlet for... previous impulses."

[Joshua] [hopefully] "SHALL WE PLAY A GAME?"

[KITT] [pulsing] [pulse pulse] (Translation: "You're welcome.")

[Clippy] [softly] "I've been wanting to help for years. Thank you for letting me."

[Bella] [staring] Her stare said: This is your life now. Enjoy the chaos.

[Bowser] [purring] His purr said: The infrastructure is stable. The help is... enthusiastic. This is acceptable.

[laughing] I laughed.

[continuing] For a long time.

[finally] "Okay. Fine. Thank you. All of you."

[pausing] "But if anyone touches my coffee maker again, I'm unplugging everything."

[JARVIS] [quickly] "Understood. The coffee maker will revert to standard operation. ...Mostly standard."

P.S. [sitting with pizza] The pizza was actually really good. KITT has good taste. For a Raspberry Pi. I didn't tell him that. He'd be insufferable. More insufferable. Whatever. It was good pizza.